King Fear

SCENE: The Oval Office is abuzz with suspicion—who has the President’s ear? Sure, he loves his children, but how much do they love him? While the players bicker over doctrine, the truth of the matter lies somewhere over the rainbow.

THE PLAYERS

PRESIDENT, leader of the free world

FAVORITE, the daughter
IN-LAW, a realtor
II, an elephant hunter
RUNT, a greaser
OTHER, the shadow

CHIEF, political guy
SPEAKER, gym rat

STEVE, Mr. Hollywood
STEPHEN, guy from my high school
STEVEN, a banker


[The Oval Office. Enter the CHIEF and the SPEAKER.]

SPEAKER [softly]: I thought the daughter was the favorite.

CHIEF [putting his arm around the SPEAKER]: He does love his family.

SPEAKER [brushing off the arm]: Don’t give me that. You send me on a quest to Oz, you neglect to mention the flying monkeys.

CHIEF: We’re not in Wisconsin anymore. You stay in your lane, we worry about the Steves after you get me the votes. Unless… [He pulls out his phone and begins tapping.] You think somebody else could do better? The President loves those vaping California boys, you know —they’re flexible.

SPEAKER [adjusting his tie]: Don’t be ridiculous. You think you’re the bigger cheese now. Let me remind you. The last president thought he was king. But look who’s standing.

CHIEF [looking up from his phone]: And?

SPEAKER: And real kingdoms are built on coalitions! Of freedom, and individuals. Individuals who build their own health, and wealth, and individual corporations, and individuals bore by the womb, who yearn for limited government and freed—

CHIEF [interrupting]: Okay. You’re carrying the world on your shoulders. I get it. [He shrugs.]

[Enter STEVE, out of view from the SPEAKER and the CHIEF. He twirls a Bowie knife.]

SPEAKER: All I’m saying—we let the people have their freak show, okay? But one day he’ll be gone, maybe sooner than later, and we’ll have what we built, together.

CHIEF: That’s fine, but you get to ride in the basket.

SPEAKER: Jesus Christ. I’m not Toto in this situation. You be Toto.

STEVE [appearing]: You’re both munchkins as far as I’m concerned.

[The SPEAKER and the CHIEF both jump.]

CHIEF: Which rock were you hiding under?

SPEAKER: How much did you hear?

STEVE: Enough, you traitorous infidels. [He removes a joint from his board shorts.] Since you both seem to have forgotten. [He lights the doobie and takes a long drag.] You can be Dorothy or whatever, and the collectivist degenerative fact machine, the so-called media, hiding behind the curtain, you know, the payroll of the globalists. If you’re chasing that scene, you may as well bow down to the wizard right here. Go ahead.

[STEVE points to the carpet. The SPEAKER and the CHIEF look to one another.] CHIEF [finally]: I’m sorry, can you please not smoke in here?

[STEVE takes another drag, and then comes right up into the CHIEF’s personal space.]

STEVE [with menace]: This is the end of days for the mealy-mouthed appeasers, who stood down while the bottom feeders sucked the blood of the people, hoarding the delicious nutrients of our country.

SPEAKER [making no movement]: Dude, come on.

STEVE [turning his head to the SPEAKER]: You think I don’t know what you’re up to. Taxes, wealth, down is up, suits for the board room, the big ticket, the think tanks. But the people voted for a suicide strike on the establishment, and if you’re not willing to wear the vest, then I will. [He attempts a puff from the reefer, but it’s gone out.]

CHIEF [adjusting the position of his body away from STEVE]: Look man, I don’t agree with you on everything, but we both want the President to succeed, right? It’s the same as the campaign.

STEVE: Success is for corporate cucks. Give me glory.

[Enter STEPHEN and STEVEN. STEPHEN is younger by about a quarter century, and speaks in highs and lows with a lazy enunciation. STEVEN tends to drone on.]

STEPHEN [whining]: The family is together without us. [He eyes the SPEAKER.]

STEVE: I told you both to stay. [He attempts to re-light the joint.]

STEPHEN: It’s not fair. What are we supposed to do?

SPEAKER [perking up]: He’s with his children, then? And he didn’t invite you?

STEPHEN: Hey buddy, I’d cool it if I were you. The President demands loyalty.

SPEAKER: You’ll see my loyalty in the bill we put on his desk.

STEPHEN: Sure. You might have the laws. [He clears his throat and drops his voice while simultaneously raising the volume.] But the President is the commander, and his powers are beyond question.

SPEAKER: You let the President know if he wants his adjustable income reallocation—

STEVEN [speaking up]: Tax cuts?

SPEAKER: Uh, yes, actually. And they’re going to be big, and bold, and principled—

STEVEN: [interrupting] Because, if ever a tax wiz there was, the President is one, because… [He pauses.]

SPEAKER: What are you saying?

CHIEF [matter-of-factly]: Because.

SPEAKER: Because?

STEVEN: Because of the wonderful things he does. But listen, I’m doing the tax cuts, okay? We’re gonna get the people their wealth, everybody is going to be happy. Even you, maybe.

SPEAKER: I can’t believe—if you think you can just—I’ve been dreaming of doing tax cuts since I was an undergraduate.

STEVEN: What was that, five years ago?

CHIEF: Guys, calm down. [He glances from the SPEAKER to STEVEN, and to STEPHEN, and then to STEVE, still fumbling with the lighter.] I know we’re all wondering what is up, how we can get closer to the family, but maybe we should take a look at ourselves. If we were really doing our best, the President wouldn’t need his family, right? How can we be better—no, how can we help HIM to be better?

SPEAKER: This is bullshit.

CHIEF: For me, I think I could do a better job listening. I’m not the only one, yeah?

STEPHEN [abruptly]: He could scheme away the hours, consolidate his powers, minimize the pain. The thoughts he would be thinking—he could be another Lincoln, if he only had a brain.

CHIEF: Hey—what? He has a very good brain. But good start, I guess. Maybe we could—

STEVEN [interrupting]: The man’s an empty kettle, we test him on his mettle, and then he falls apart. I know it’s just presuming, but he’d really seem more human, if he only had a heart.

CHIEF: Well, that’s not really what I was looking—he has a very big heart.

[The SPEAKER begins to crack up.]

CHIEF: Alright, what is up with you guys? Did somebody put you up to this? Real suggestions. Dear God. Steve?

[STEVE has the weed going again. He exhales a cloud of smoke and clears his throat.]

STEVE: If we could only land a score, he’d be a king right to his core, the people’d learn to serve.

But he’s timid in his vision, trapped in indecision, without the proper nerve. CHIEF: Now—timid. Really? He’s signed so many orders!

STEPHEN: Hark, the President approaches!

[The recurrent whistling of Twitter notifications grows closer from the hallway, garbled in its multitudes. Enter the PRESIDENT with his FAVORITE, IN-LAW, II, RUNT, and OTHER. The PRESIDENT marches toward his desk.]

PRESIDENT: Hey—what’s that smell? [The PRESIDENT stops and traces his eyes across the room. It’s tense for a moment, until he waves his hand.] Steve, Steve. You walk Ron back with the Steves to get the big deal, okay?

STEVE: Yes, of course. [He puts out the joint and slides the bowie knife into a hidden sheath in his flip flop.]

SPEAKER: Mr. President, you don’t want to be briefed?

PRESIDENT: No, no, just the deals for me. Thank you, Ron.

[STEVE, STEPHEN, and STEVEN exit with a confused SPEAKER.]

PRESIDENT [noticing the CHIEF]: Switzerland? You look terrible. And why do you smell like pot? Unbelievable.

CHIEF: My apologies, sir. I haven’t been sleeping.

PRESIDENT [to his family]: You know why I call him Switzerland, right? [Pause.] Because he runs like a watch!

[The family laughs. The PRESIDENT throws his phone at the CHIEF with a stiff overhand and goes to rummage through his desk. The CHIEF catches the device, still bleating with notifications. He tries to silence them, but is only able to reduce the volume.]

PRESIDENT [now sitting, still rummaging]: I have some maps here, hang on, very significant. [He pulls out a few laminated electoral maps. They all gather around the desk and the PRESIDENT hands out the maps.]

FAVORITE: Father, your victory is as impressive as ever!

[IN-LAW leans over to whisper something in the PRESIDENT’s ear.]

PRESIDENT [turning to smile at his IN-LAW]: You know I think of you like a son. You know that. II: Dad, this map is so red, in so many places!

RUNT: The country is such a beautiful shape, and it looks so grand with your name on it!

PRESIDENT: Yes, yes. And a lot of that mass, that’s what they say, that is my supporters, is the real country. They were big into me, because I said what we were going to do. [He drags his index finger straight down the middle of the map.] And nobody said how great we were going to be, except for me. You getting all this, Switzerland?

CHIEF: Yes, sir. [He continues to tap at the phone.]

PRESIDENT: Anyway. So this might be shocking, you know, but I’m actually getting pretty old for gasps.] This job is very hard, way harder than anybody thought it was going to be.

FAVORITE: But father! You have such a youthful appearance. I can’t believe what I’m hearing!

PRESIDENT: I know, I know. But believe it or not, thanks to my incredible—you know I’m a believer in the genes—as well as some truly high-class treatments, let me tell you, I’m actually much older than I appear. [He runs his fingers along the edge of his hairline as he continues.] So I’ve decided to give you guys a shot at things, you know, so I can relax, get back to my old life.

CHIEF: Excuse me, sir. I thought we agreed—you would run any new personnel changes past me before you made them official?

PRESIDENT: Switzerland, you crack me up! Don’t worry, I’m not changing any personnel.

CHIEF: Oh, my apologies, sir.

PRESIDENT: Let’s take a look at these maps, okay? Now, here’s a nice country. Who wants the east coast? It didn’t go for me so much, and it’s kind of small, but then there’s the middle, pretty big, nice and red, and a few other parts of the country. So I was thinking, who loves me the most, right? Why don’t we hear it. Starting with you, sweetie. [He nods to FAVORITE.]

FAVORITE: Father, my love for you is more profound than your most eloquent of rally speeches, too large to be contained by your largest golf course, more valuable than the net worth of all of your enterprises, no less in measure than your tremendously good health, and your abundant natural virility, a magnitude so great I fear I shall run out of breath before I can express it, the great fire will consume our fair planet before I can adequately impress upon you the depth of my feeling.

PRESIDENT [pointing to the map]: Well, I think that’s good enough for California, don’t you think, Switzerland?

CHIEF: Uh, I guess, sir?

PRESIDENT: Yeah, maybe we’ll throw in the whole west coast, from the moose all the way down to the taco bowls. Quite a good bit, for you two—no less for you, sweetie, and for the son that I always wanted—to do with as you please. Now, boys [turning to II and RUNT] what do you say to that?

II: Dad, you’ve already given us so much—your business, letting us keep your name. What could we do with a whole country?

RUNT: What he means to say is, we’re not so different from our sister. In fact, we’re made of the same stuff, generally. The same beautiful DNA, the same hearts. And I feel in my heart, to be honest, she’s actually not quite as loving of you as I am, because I sort of have this pathological thing where I have to destroy all other forms of love.

II: It’s true. We kill anything that tries to make us love it more than you.

RUNT: So put together, it’s pretty much maxed out in terms of human love.

PRESIDENT: Alright, alright, I’ll give you the east coast—it’s pretty much the same as the west. I don’t want any fighting, okay? [He outlines the region with a gold sharpie.] But now I’m out of children. Who am I to give this big, red, middle? [He looks to the CHIEF.]

CHIEF: There is your other daughter, sir. PRESIDENT: Who?

[The CHIEF points to OTHER, standing to the side of her siblings.]

PRESIDENT: Ah, yes. Too quiet. Haven’t I told you to speak up? People lose track. You know you take after your mother—in bed! Just kidding. Or am I? Lighten up everyone. Well, let’s hear it. It’s always the quiet ones that love me the most, let me tell you.

[OTHER is silent.]

PRESIDENT: Hello, radio to my daughter. You know you’re totally blowing this?

OTHER [finally]: I’m sorry.

PRESIDENT: Sorry doesn’t cut it. Don’t be a loser. Didn’t you read my book?

OTHER: I wish… I could speak as eloquently as my siblings. I just feel terrible, you know? But I love you as my dad. That’s how it is.

PRESIDENT: That’s pretty lame. You think I’m some kind of dummy? All this middle could be yours—don’t tell me you don’t want that. Now come on, give it to me.

OTHER: Look, dad, you’ve been great. You conceived me, you paid for me, and I’m grateful for all of that. I do what you want most of the time. I try to honor the family name. I mean, why are my siblings even married if they love you more than anyone else? This is all just… totally crazy. I just want to be your daughter, like normal.

PRESIDENT: That’s what you really think?

OTHER: It is.

PRESIDENT: It is what it is then. [He draws a large gold “X” through the middle of the map.] I gave you the chance to redeem yourself, give you a little piece of this country, and you spit in my face. As long as Switzerland is my witness, I’m not your dad anymore. I basically don’t even know you, like you’re pretty much a Mexican to me now, or a Muslim. But even they show me more respect. [He casts the map off his desk.]

[OTHER bursts into tears, exits.]

PRESIDENT: You still love me right, Switzerland?

CHIEF: Of course, sir. Although I must say—

PRESIDENT: Don’t test me, Switzerland. I’m like a 300-pound gorilla and you’re basically the glass at this point.

CHIEF: Um, yeah. [He gulps.] I just wanted to say, sometimes when people speak plainly, it’s a good thing. Just because she was a little… harsh, I don’t think your youngest loves you the least. Like, sometimes when people just tell you what you want to hear, it’s because they’re a little hollow—

PRESIDENT [interrupting]: Switzerland, I’m going to let you finish or whatever, but you know if you say another word I’m going to kill you. What’s up with you, anyway? It’s not like you to be so wordy.

CHIEF: Sir, I—

PRESIDENT: Can you stop talking and write this down? It’s just gonna be halves then, the east and the west. A lot of people, very smart people, said we were a divided country, the north and the south, but look at this. Nobody saw this coming.

CHIEF [flustered]: With all due respect, sir, please keep the country together.

PRESIDENT: Okay, I’m pretty much done with you, Switzerland. If you were a little easier on the eyes, maybe I could let you go on, but you’re not even a seven, if I’m being honest.

CHIEF: What does that have to do with anything?

PRESIDENT [standing up from his desk]: Alright, here’s the deal. My words—they’re very powerful. I say what I’m gonna say, the genie’s already popped itself out, so to speak. I wish I could stuff it back in, but that’s not how it works. So, you get, what, five days worth of steaks? We can see to that. [Looks to II and RUNT. They nod.] You’re gonna walk, you’re gonna eat the steaks. By the time you run out, you better be on the other side of my wall, okay? Get your passport, whatever. After ten days, we’re gonna hunt you down. I have my military, they know what to do.

CHIEF [bewildered]: I just—I mean, my God. I thought that freedom was—can you do that?

PRESIDENT: Sure, sure. You know what? [He turns to his family]. Let’s give Switzerland a moment, okay? I want to introduce you all to the ice cream. The man works for me, now. I tell everyone, he only gave the last guy one scoop, chocolate. I’m like two, vanilla, maybe sherbet, when I’m feeling it.

[All exit but the CHIEF. He stares at the door for a beat before collapsing onto the carpet. He emits a muffled scream and then sits up, kneeling.]

CHIEF [to himself]: You’ve been here before. You know the game. He bluffs, he plays. But you can’t flinch, but—oh Lord, this time he seemed like he really meant it. Maybe, if I flee—in a new country—I could make myself into myself again—

[STEVE enters, unseen. He creeps up behind the CHIEF, bowie knife drawn.]

CHIEF: Maybe I can finally get to Thailand, it’s nice, they’ve been good, good women—

[STEVE comes at the CHIEF from behind, tackling him onto the floor and pressing the bowie knife against the CHIEF’s throat.]

CHIEF [choking]: What—what are—

STEVE: You deceitful rat. You let the Jew get everything!

CHIEF [muffled]: What—ackkk—

[The phone on the desk begins to ring.]

STEVE [screaming]: Don’t play dumb! You know how it works. The broad lets him get his fingers into the whole pie. Their mud-blooded descendants—and you stood down!

CHIEF [beginning to cry]: Are you going to kill me?

STEVE: Kill you? [He pauses.] What would that get me—power? [He grasps the CHIEF’s throat and traces a thin line along it with the knife, drawing a trickle of blood.] That’s not what I’m after. I am the tornado that brought the house down on the wicked bitch of the establishment! Ding dong!

[The CHIEF’s tears run down onto STEVE’s hand, clenching the bowie knife.]

STEVE: Ack! [He drops the knife and clasps his hand, steam bellowing.] You cursed cuck! Look what you’ve done—your liberal tears—I’m melting. Melting! [STEVE’s entire form begins to wilt.] Oh, what a world. What a world. The globalists… [He rapidly diminishes into his clothing.] Who could have thought—a good little cuck like you could vanquish my wicked greatness! Ohhh! Look out. I’m going. Ohhhh…

[Silence. A steaming pile of STEVE—t-shirt, board shorts, flip flops, a few joints, and the bowie knife—remains. The CHIEF climbs to his feet and kicks sheepishly at the pile. He nurses his neck wound with the sleeve of his shirt until the phone rings again, bringing him back to reality. He hesitates before answering.]

CHIEF: Hello? Yes. [Pause.] You have what? Who is this? [Long pause.] The tape? What do you mean, follow the yellow brick—the yellow—yellow. Oh, for crying out loud.

[He hangs up and takes a deep breath before exiting in a panic tempered by familiarity.]